I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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