i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
