I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
