if i can run in heels then i can drive
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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