You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
