i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
