Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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