The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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