You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
