I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
