so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
