Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
