So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
