He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
