We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
