you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Randomize
