I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Drunk is not a location!
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
