so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
