I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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