I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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