All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
