he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
