I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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