I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
