i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
