my soul wont recognize me after tonight
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
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