I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
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