One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
