i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
