Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
