Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
