Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
