The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the room spins SO much faster in panama
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize
