god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Randomize
