I am spending my child support on dildos
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
