Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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