the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
