found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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