just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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