At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
