Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
