wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
