There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Send help, water and tortillas.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
