But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
