You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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