i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Randomize
