so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
