Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
We have started to decorate penises.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Randomize
