I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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