it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
It really wasn't that bad. Well, it was pretty bad, but only in 3 second bursts.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
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