So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Barsexuality is the new black.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
