i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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