There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
At some point I'd like to figure out how the weird kid from sociology ended up on my couch naked hugging what appears to be some sort of clothing....seriously it's creeping me out
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
