Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
